Getting over a divorce and your ex-partner is an important step towards healing and moving forward with your life, yet it isn’t something that will happen quickly. Finding closure after divorce isn’t easy and the term “closure” itself means different things to different people.
For some, closure means being able to move forward with love and appreciation in their heart for their ex and the good times they shared. For some, it means acceptance and forgiveness. It might be a clear understanding of where the relationship lost its way. For some, it’s just being able to get on with life.
Closure might come by way of an apology, a long and calm discussion with your ex, personal acceptance that it’s time to move on, therapy, or even relief that a bad chapter in your life is over.
Whatever closure means for you, there are ways to reach it and find peace in the aftermath of your divorce.
Some tips for finding closure include:
- Give yourself time: There is no set timeframe for getting over divorce. You need to go through the stages of grief in your own time and on your own terms – rushing the process may do more harm long term than good.
- Allow yourself to feel sadness: You need to feel the full gamut of emotions in order to be able to process and let them go.
- Reject obsessive thoughts: Don’t, however, allow yourself to wallow too long in self-pity, rage, guilt or hate. It won’t harm your ex – but it will harm you. Don’t deny your memories, but also don’t dwell on the past.
- Don’t expect an apology – but forgive anyway: An apology is unlikely – and you don’t need it, no matter how much you may want it. Forgiveness isn’t for the benefit of your ex; it’s for you. By forgiving them for disappointing you and hurting you, and also forgiving yourself for your own shortcomings in the marriage, you can better understand why the relationship ended and be ready to move on.
- Own your own actions: Yes, it might be their entire fault. But more likely, some of the “fault” also lies with you. This is OK. It takes two to make a relationship work, and rarely is just one partner responsible entirely for its demise. Sometimes people just change or outgrow each other. Accept your role in what has happened so you can learn and move on.
- Prioritise your kids: Your children are the best thing that has come from your relationship – they are testament to what you had and they make it all worthwhile, no matter that it has ended. For the sake of your kids, put aside bitterness and embrace hope and positivity for the future. Set an example – and treat your ex as you’d want them to treat you in front of your kids.
- Let go and live: You are the narrator of your own life – so write an amazing new chapter. Learn from what you’ve been through and create the new best version of yourself.
Closure after divorce, whatever it means to you, will result in an ending to the prolonged emotional stress and distress that the entire process has delivered to you. You will finally feel settled and ready to move on with your life, leaving the negative behind. Counselling or therapy can help with this.
Some will find closure after a year or so; others can take many years. Much of how you will achieve your own closure depends on your mindset, and active decisions you make about how you’ll approach the process. At the end of it however, you will have room for new love and happiness in your heart.
If you are separating, please talk to us about the process you need to take to get the best possible outcome for everyone involved.
Call us on 07 3161 2762 or email at [email protected]