Most people turn up to their first family law mediation expecting something like a courtroom. A formal table, a judge-like figure, their ex glaring at them from across the room. What they find is usually much quieter than that, and much more in their own hands.
That gap between expectation and reality matters. Because if you walk in unprepared, or with the wrong idea of what mediation is for, you can give away things you didn’t need to, agree to things you don’t fully understand, or leave without the certainty your children and your finances actually need.
The common assumption is that mediation is a middle-ground compromise: you each give a bit, you take a bit, and you split the difference. That’s not how it works. What actually drives a mediation outcome is preparation, information and a clear understanding of what you’d be walking into court to argue for if you didn’t settle today.
So before you go, ask yourself this: do you know what a reasonable outcome looks like for your situation? Not a perfect one. A realistic one. If the answer is no, that’s the first thing to fix.
This article walks you through the whole process, from the intake call before the day to what you do with any agreement you reach. By the end, you’ll know what to expect, what to prepare, and where the real decisions happen.
Key Takeaways
- Family law mediation is not a court hearing. A mediator does not make decisions. You and your ex retain full control over any agreement reached.
- Attendance is usually compulsory before filing parenting applications in court. You generally need to attempt family dispute resolution and hold a Section 60I certificate before a court will hear a parenting matter.
- Shuttle mediation is available. If you don’t feel safe or can’t be in the same room, the mediator moves between separate rooms. You are not required to sit with your ex.
- Mediation can resolve parenting arrangements, property settlement, or both. Not everything has to be settled on the day. Partial agreements are common and valid.
- Agreements reached at mediation are not automatically binding. They need to be formalised, usually through consent orders or a binding financial agreement, to be legally enforceable.
- Family violence changes the process. If there is a history of family violence or a safety concern, mediation may be inappropriate or require specific safety measures. A lawyer can advise you before you attend.
What is family law mediation and how is it different from going to court?
Mediation is a structured conversation with a neutral third party whose job is to help you and your former partner identify the issues, explore your options, and try to reach your own agreement.
The mediator is not a judge. They will not tell you who is right, rule on who gets what, or make any binding decisions. That distinction matters enormously, because it means you stay in control. Whatever is agreed at mediation, you both agreed to it.
Court is the alternative. A judge hears evidence, applies the law, and makes orders that both parties must follow whether they like the outcome or not. That process takes months to years, costs significantly more, and removes the decision entirely from your hands.
Mediation is faster, cheaper, less adversarial, and far more flexible about what it can consider. A judge is bound by the law. A mediator can help you build arrangements that fit the actual shape of your lives: school pickup logistics, holiday rosters, how the dog gets shared, how you communicate about the children going forward.
That flexibility is both its strength and its risk. Without legal advice beforehand, you may agree to something you later discover was unfair, and by then it can be difficult to undo.
Key Point: Mediation gives you control that court does not. That control is only useful if you understand your legal position before you sit down.
Do I have to go to mediation before going to court?
For parenting matters, the short answer is yes, in most cases.
Before filing a parenting application in the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, you are generally required to make a genuine attempt at family dispute resolution. If you attend and the matter doesn’t resolve, the mediator issues a Section 60I certificate. That certificate is what the court requires before it will hear your application.
There are exceptions. If there is family violence or child abuse, if the matter is urgent, or if one party is unwilling or unable to participate, a Section 60I certificate can be issued without a genuine attempt at resolution, and the court can hear the matter.
For property settlement, there is no identical legislative requirement. But the court expects parties to have made a genuine attempt to resolve matters before filing, and you can be penalised in costs if you litigate unnecessarily.
In practice, mediation is the default first step for almost every separation, regardless of whether it’s parenting, property, or both.
Expert Tip: If you’re worried about whether mediation is appropriate given your circumstances, get legal advice before you book it, not after. The structure of the mediation and whether you even attend at all may need to be managed carefully.
What happens before the mediation day?
The day itself is only part of the process. Most of what determines how useful mediation is happens before you walk in.
Before the joint session, most mediators or mediation services conduct an intake process. You’ll each be contacted separately. The mediator will ask about the issues in dispute, your family situation, and any safety concerns. This is the time to disclose any history of family violence, a current domestic violence order, or any reason why sitting with your former partner may not be safe or appropriate.
The intake process also lets the mediator assess whether shuttle mediation is needed, what support you might require, and whether mediation is appropriate at all.
Before the day, you’ll also want to:
- Gather any documents that are relevant to the issues being discussed. For property matters, that means financial disclosure: asset and liability lists, bank statements, superannuation balances, property valuations, and business documents if applicable.
- Know what you want to achieve, not just what you don’t want to agree to.
- Have had at least one conversation with a family lawyer about your legal entitlements and realistic outcomes.
The biggest mistake people make going into mediation is turning up underprepared. They have a rough idea of what they want but no clear understanding of what they’d be entitled to if the matter went to court. That gap makes it easy to either give too much away or stall the process unnecessarily.
Expert Tip: Brief a lawyer before the intake session, not just before the mediation day. Knowing your position early shapes how you answer the intake questions and what you ask the mediator to focus on.
What does a typical family law mediation day look like?
The format varies depending on the provider, but here is how a typical day runs.
You arrive separately. Most mediation services stagger arrival times so you don’t have to walk in at the same time as your former partner. You’re shown to a waiting area or private room.
The mediator starts with opening statements, usually to both parties together (or separately in shuttle mediation). They explain their role, the rules of the session, confidentiality, and what the day is intended to achieve. They are not there to judge. They are not there to report back to the court. Their job is to keep the conversation productive.
Issues are identified. The mediator works with both of you to list what needs to be resolved. This might be children’s arrangements, property, money, debt, or all of the above.
Discussion and negotiation follow. This is where most of the work happens. The mediator may speak to each party separately in what’s called a private session or caucus. This is normal. It gives you space to speak candidly and lets the mediator reality-check both parties’ positions without inflaming the room.
If progress is being made, the mediator helps you work toward agreement on each issue. If you reach agreement, the terms are written down, usually in a summary document or heads of agreement that day.
Key Point: Most people are surprised by how much of the day is spent in separate conversations with the mediator. A mediation is not one long joint argument. It’s a structured series of conversations with a skilled facilitator managing the flow between them.
Can I be in a different room from my ex, or do I have to sit together?
You do not have to sit in the same room as your former partner.
Shuttle mediation is a standard format where you and your former partner are in separate rooms and the mediator moves between you, carrying information, offers and responses back and forth.
This format is common when there is a history of conflict, a power imbalance, family violence, or simply when both parties agree they will communicate better separately. You can request shuttle mediation during the intake process.
If you’re worried about being intimidated, pressured, or overwhelmed in the presence of your former partner, say so. The intake conversation is the right time to raise it. A good mediator will take this seriously and structure the day accordingly.
Shuttle mediation does take longer. The mediator spends more time physically moving between rooms, and communication is filtered rather than direct. But for many people it’s the only format in which they can actually think clearly, and a slightly longer session in separate rooms is far more productive than a joint session where one person shuts down.
Expert Tip: You are not being difficult by asking for shuttle mediation. You are doing what’s necessary to give the process the best chance of working.
Who is in the room at mediation and what is everyone’s role?
The core participants are you, your former partner, and the mediator.
The mediator is a trained, neutral facilitator, often an accredited family dispute resolution practitioner. They do not represent either party, they do not give legal advice, and they do not make decisions. Their job is to manage the process, keep discussion focused on issues rather than blame, and help both parties move toward agreement.
Lawyers can also attend mediation, and in property matters especially, having your lawyer present is often worth the additional cost. A lawyer in the room can give you real-time advice when an offer is made, help you understand whether a proposed term is legally enforceable, and ensure that anything written down at the end accurately captures what you agreed to.
In parenting mediations, children are never present. Their interests are considered throughout, but they do not attend.
Support people, such as a trusted friend or family member, may be permitted in some services, but this varies by provider. Confirm during intake whether this is available and appropriate.
Interpreters can be arranged if English is not your first language. More on that below.
Key Point: Having a lawyer at mediation is not about creating conflict. It’s about making sure that if you do reach agreement, you understand what you’re agreeing to before you sign anything.
What issues can we sort out at mediation?
Mediation can address parenting arrangements, property settlement, superannuation, spousal maintenance, debt allocation, and how you’ll communicate going forward.
You don’t have to resolve everything in one session. Partial agreements are common and perfectly valid. You might settle the children’s arrangements but leave property for a second session. Or you might agree on how to handle the family home but leave superannuation for further advice.
What mediation can’t resolve is a matter where one party refuses to engage honestly, hides assets, or uses the process to delay. If your former partner is withholding financial disclosure, a mediator has no power to compel them to produce documents. That’s what court is for.
Mediation also can’t override the law. Any agreement you reach still needs to be legally sound. An agreement that one parent waives all child support entirely, for example, may not be enforceable, and a good mediator will flag this.
Key Point: Mediation is most effective when both parties have made full financial disclosure before the day. If you suspect disclosure is incomplete, raise it with your lawyer before you attend.
What happens to the kids’ arrangements at mediation?
Parenting mediation focuses on what arrangements will work for the children, not on who was the better parent during the relationship.
A mediator will help you work through the practical questions: where the children will live, how much time they’ll spend with each parent, how school holidays and special occasions will be divided, how you’ll communicate about the children, how decisions about health, education and religion will be made.
These conversations are guided by what’s in the children’s best interests, which is the legal standard the Family Court applies. A skilled mediator will keep the focus there when the discussion drifts toward adult grievances.
If you reach agreement, it can be recorded as a parenting plan (a written but not court-ordered document) or, more formally, as consent orders filed with the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. Consent orders are legally binding and enforceable. A parenting plan is a good-faith agreement, but it doesn’t carry the same legal weight.
Expert Tip: If there’s any chance your former partner might not stick to an agreement, push for consent orders rather than a parenting plan. The extra step to formalise them is worth it.
How does property settlement work at mediation?
Property mediation works through the same four-step process a court would apply, even though no judge is present.
First, the pool of assets and liabilities is identified. Both parties need to disclose their financial position honestly. This is where preparation before the day matters enormously. If you don’t know what you own, what it’s worth, and what you owe, the conversation stalls.
Then both parties consider contributions: what each person brought to the relationship and what each contributed during it, financially and otherwise. Then future needs are weighed: income, care of children, health, age and earning capacity. Finally, the question is whether any proposed division is just and equitable.
A mediator doesn’t apply this formula mechanically the way a court does. But both parties’ lawyers should be doing so as they assess offers.
Superannuation can be divided through mediation. The mechanism to do so is a superannuation splitting order, which must be drafted carefully by a lawyer and filed with the court.
Expert Tip: Come to a property mediation with a written list of all assets and liabilities and their estimated values. If you can, agree on valuations before the day. Arguing about what the house is worth in the middle of mediation wastes time and money.
Will the mediator tell us what is fair or make a decision?
No. The mediator will not tell you what is fair, what you’re entitled to, or what the right outcome is.
Their job is to help you communicate, identify the issues, explore options, and move toward an agreement that both of you choose. They may ask questions that help you think through implications. They may reflect back what each party has said. They may reality-check an unrealistic position by asking what outcome you’d expect if the matter went to court. But they will not give you legal advice.
This is worth sitting with. If you go into mediation hoping the mediator will validate your position and tell your ex they’re being unreasonable, that’s not going to happen. The mediator stays neutral, even if one party is clearly being unrealistic.
Legal advice fills this gap. Your lawyer can tell you what’s fair. The mediator helps you negotiate from there.
Key Point: Don’t confuse the mediator’s neutrality with passivity. A skilled mediator will manage the process firmly. But the legal assessment of what’s reasonable is your lawyer’s role, not the mediator’s.
How long does family law mediation take, and how many sessions will I need?
A single mediation session typically runs between three and eight hours. Most services allow a full day and work through as much as possible in that time.
Whether you need one session or several depends on how many issues are in dispute, how prepared both parties are, and how entrenched the positions are going in.
Some matters settle in one session. Others need a second day, sometimes with additional financial disclosure or legal advice obtained in between. Some start with parenting mediation and return a few weeks later for property.
Complex property pools, business interests, or high-conflict parenting situations tend to take longer. Simple matters with reasonable parties and good preparation can resolve in half a day.
People often ask whether they’ll walk out with something signed on the day. The answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no. You might leave with heads of agreement, a written summary of what you’ve resolved. That document then needs to be drafted into consent orders or another legally binding form, which happens in the days or weeks after.
Key Point: Walking out without a signed order doesn’t mean the mediation failed. It often means both parties need time to get proper legal advice on the terms before committing. That’s sensible, not a stall.
How much does mediation cost, and who pays?
Mediation cost varies significantly depending on the provider, the format, and whether lawyers attend.
Government-funded family dispute resolution through the Family Relationships Centres network is free or low-cost for many people. These services are generally available for parenting matters and are a sensible first option where the matter is relatively straightforward and both parties are willing to engage.
Private mediators charge by the hour or by the half or full day. Fees differ between providers. If both lawyers are also attending, their time is charged on top of the mediator’s fee.
In most cases, the cost of mediation is shared equally between the parties. Where one party has significantly more financial capacity, this can be negotiated.
The question of cost should always be weighed against the alternative. Even a full day of private mediation with both lawyers attending is likely to cost less than a contested court hearing. The question isn’t whether mediation is cheap. It’s whether it’s cheaper than not resolving the matter.
One thing that reliably drives mediation costs up: arriving unprepared. Sessions that stall because one party hasn’t done financial disclosure, doesn’t know what they own, or hasn’t received legal advice run long and sometimes fail entirely. Good preparation is not optional. It directly affects what the mediation costs.
For specific current costs applicable to your situation, confirm with C + K Family Lawyers or the relevant mediation service directly.
Expert Tip: Don’t choose a mediator based on price alone. An experienced family dispute resolution practitioner who can manage a difficult dynamic is worth more than a cheap session that falls apart at midday.
What if I’m scared, there’s been family violence, or I don’t feel safe?
This is the most important section of this article.
If there is a history of family violence, coercive control, or an existing domestic violence order, mediation may not be appropriate at all. It is not a process that works when one person is afraid of the other, or where one person has used fear, control or intimidation to shape the relationship. The power imbalance that characterises family violence does not disappear in a mediation room.
Family dispute resolution practitioners are required to screen for family violence as part of the intake process. If the practitioner determines that mediation is not safe or appropriate, they can issue a Section 60I certificate without requiring you to attempt mediation, allowing you to proceed directly to court.
If you disclose family violence during intake and the practitioner proceeds anyway without appropriate safeguards, that is a problem. You can decline to continue.
Shuttle mediation is one safety measure. Separate entrances, staggered arrival times, waiting areas that keep parties apart, and no joint sessions are others. But these are safeguards, not substitutes for a proper safety assessment.
If you’re not sure whether mediation is right for your situation, speak to a lawyer before you book anything.
Key Point: Disclosing family violence during intake is not a sign of weakness. It is the information a practitioner needs to protect you and to structure the process appropriately, or to advise that court is the safer path.
What if my ex won’t agree to mediation or refuses to participate?
You can’t force someone to attend mediation. But their refusal to participate has consequences.
If a party declines to attend family dispute resolution without a good reason, the mediator can issue a Section 60I certificate reflecting that fact. You can then file your parenting application in the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia without having completed a genuine joint attempt.
Courts take a dim view of parties who refuse to engage in genuine dispute resolution without good reason. It can affect how the court views that party’s conduct and, in some circumstances, their exposure to costs orders.
For property matters, a refusal to engage is similarly noted. It does not prevent you from applying to the court, but it does demonstrate you made the attempt.
Key Point: If your former partner refuses mediation, document it and get legal advice promptly. The clock on limitation periods for property and parenting applications keeps running regardless.
What if we can’t reach agreement at mediation?
A mediation that doesn’t fully resolve every issue is not a failure.
Partial agreements are common. You might resolve parenting arrangements but leave property. Or you might agree on the broad framework of a property settlement but need more time on superannuation. Everything that’s agreed narrows the contested territory if you do end up in court.
If nothing is agreed, the mediator may issue a Section 60I certificate for parenting matters, and you are then able to file in the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. For property matters, you can apply to court without a certificate.
Before heading to court, it’s worth considering whether a second mediation session, with better preparation or different advice, might move things forward. Courts are expensive, slow, and stressful. A second attempt at mediation, even if the first failed, is often worthwhile.
Expert Tip: If mediation breaks down, don’t make any significant decisions about property, finances or parenting arrangements without legal advice first. What you do in the days immediately after a failed mediation can shape the court process that follows.
Is what I say in mediation confidential and without prejudice?
Yes, with important limits.
Family dispute resolution is confidential. The mediator cannot be called as a witness in court proceedings, and what is said in mediation generally cannot be used in court. This is designed to encourage honest, open discussion.
The limits matter. Confidentiality does not apply to disclosures about child abuse or family violence, or to any agreement that is actually reached, which can be recorded and relied upon. If a party makes an admission about hiding assets, for example, the confidentiality framework is complex and legal advice should be sought immediately.
Communications during mediation are generally “without prejudice”, meaning they can’t typically be produced to a court as admissions. This is an important protection that allows both parties to explore options and make offers without those offers being used against them later.
Key Point: “Confidential” doesn’t mean “no consequences”. If you disclose something significant during mediation, speak to your lawyer about what that means before the session ends.
What documents or information do I need to bring to mediation?
For parenting mediation:
- Details of current arrangements and what is working or not
- School and childcare details, including costs and locations
- Any existing parenting plans, court orders or undertakings
- Details of any current domestic violence orders
- Information about the children’s health, schooling, and routines
For property mediation:
- A list of all assets: real property, vehicles, savings, investments, superannuation, shares, business interests
- A list of all liabilities: mortgages, personal loans, credit cards
- Recent bank statements and tax returns
- Superannuation statements
- Property valuations or appraisals if available
- Any previous financial agreements
You don’t need to bring everything in perfectly organised form. But you do need to know the numbers. Guessing at asset values in a mediation makes offers impossible to assess and the session runs long.
Expert Tip: Prepare a one-page financial summary before the day. Not for the mediator. For yourself. Knowing your own numbers clearly, without having to check your phone or guess, puts you in a far steadier position when offers are being made.
How do we turn our mediation agreement into something legally binding?
An agreement reached at mediation is not automatically enforceable.
For parenting matters, the options are a parenting plan or consent orders. A parenting plan is a written agreement signed by both parties. It is not a court order and cannot be enforced as one, though it is relevant to any later court proceedings. Consent orders are filed with the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia and, once approved, are legally binding and enforceable.
For property matters, consent orders or a binding financial agreement are the two main options. Consent orders are filed with the court. A binding financial agreement is a private contract, but it must meet strict legal requirements to be enforceable, and both parties must have received independent legal advice.
Both mechanisms require proper legal drafting. An agreement written in plain language on the back of a notepad is not the same thing as a legally binding document. A lawyer needs to review and draft the orders or agreement before it is filed or signed.
If the agreement involves superannuation, additional steps are required, including notifying the superannuation fund and obtaining a superannuation splitting order if applicable.
Expert Tip: Don’t leave mediation with a handshake agreement and assume it’s done. The week after mediation, when both parties are slightly relieved, is the best time to get the orders drafted and filed before anyone changes their mind.
What if I don’t know what I’m entitled to before mediation?
Then mediation is premature.
Walking into mediation without knowing your legal position is one of the most common and costly mistakes separating people make. If you don’t know what a court would likely order, you have no way of knowing whether an offer is reasonable, too little, or more than you’d get if you fought it.
The mediator won’t tell you. Your former partner won’t tell you. And a settlement reached in ignorance of your legal position is very difficult to set aside later.
Get legal advice before you book mediation, not as a formality but because it directly shapes every decision you make on the day. If you genuinely can’t afford a lawyer for the full session, at minimum get a one-hour advice session about your position beforehand.
Key Point: Mediation is a negotiation. You negotiate better when you know your best alternative if the negotiation fails. Your legal position is that alternative.
What if English is not my first language or I have special needs?
Interpreters are available and can be arranged through most family dispute resolution services. Raise this during the intake process so the service can arrange an appropriate interpreter in advance.
If you have a disability, hearing impairment, or other access requirement, again, raise it during intake. Most services have processes to accommodate this.
If you have concerns about cultural context, the power dynamics of your relationship, or any other factor that might affect how safely or effectively you can participate, name it during intake. The mediator needs to know.
Expert Tip: Don’t assume the service will automatically know what you need. Tell them specifically during intake, and follow up in writing so there is a record that the request was made.
Why come to C + K Family Lawyers before and during your mediation?
Mediation works best when both parties arrive knowing their legal position. It is not a substitute for legal advice. It is a process where legal advice makes the difference between a resolution that holds and one that unravels six months later.
We work with separating clients across Brisbane and the Gold Coast who are heading into mediation, preparing for it, or trying to make sense of an agreement they’ve already reached. We can advise you on your entitlements before you attend, represent you in the session if that’s appropriate, review any draft agreement before you sign, and draft the consent orders or binding financial agreement that makes your deal legally binding.
We’ve seen what happens when people attend mediation unprepared. We’ve also seen what a well-prepared client can achieve in a single session. The difference is almost always in the groundwork.
If you’d like a confidential, no-obligation conversation with our team about your situation before you take the next step, we’d be glad to hear from you.
Frequently asked questions
Do I have to have a lawyer at mediation?
No, you don’t have to. But for property matters especially, having a lawyer present or at least on call gives you the ability to assess offers in real time. Without legal advice, you may agree to something that seems fair but isn’t, and unwinding a signed agreement is difficult and expensive.
Can mediation cover both children and property on the same day?
Yes. Many mediations address both. Whether it’s practical to do so depends on how complex the issues are. Some mediators prefer to schedule separate sessions for parenting and property to give each the time it needs.
What is a Section 60I certificate?
A Section 60I certificate is a document issued by an accredited family dispute resolution practitioner after you attempt, or are exempt from attempting, family dispute resolution. It is required before you can file most parenting applications in the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. The certificate records whether mediation took place, why it didn’t, or why it was not appropriate.
Can mediation work if my ex and I can’t stand each other?
Yes, and more often than you’d expect. Mediation is not couples counselling and it doesn’t require you to like or trust each other. It requires you to be willing to discuss practical outcomes. Shuttle mediation, where you’re in separate rooms, removes even the need to be in the same space. What matters is whether both parties are willing to engage with the issues, not whether they’re comfortable with each other.
What happens if we agree to something at mediation and my ex later backs out?
If the agreement has been formalised as consent orders, it is enforceable. If it is only a parenting plan or a verbal agreement, enforcement is more difficult. This is the strongest reason to formalise any agreement promptly after the mediation session and not to rely on goodwill alone.
This article is general information only and is not legal advice. Family law outcomes depend on your individual circumstances. For advice about your situation, speak with a qualified family lawyer.
About the Author
Christopher (Chris) Jones is the Principal Lawyer and co-founder of CK Family Lawyers, a Queensland family law firm. Chris advises on divorce, property settlement, parenting arrangements, binding financial agreements, mediation and domestic violence matters. After working in legal environments where clients felt depersonalised and lost in jargon, he co-founded the firm with Krystina Jones on the belief that people deserve family lawyers who genuinely care, and he works directly with his clients throughout their matters.
