Your teenager is standing in the hallway with their arms crossed, flatly telling you they’re not getting in the car. Changeover is in twenty minutes. The other parent is expecting them. You have parenting orders.
What do you do?
Most parents in that moment assume the refusal settles the matter. The child doesn’t want to go, so the visit doesn’t happen. That assumption is wrong, and acting on it can put you in a very difficult position legally.
The harder truth is that a child’s refusal does not suspend parenting orders. What matters is what you did about it, what you said, how you encouraged compliance, and whether there was a genuine reason the child could not safely go. The order stays on foot. Your obligation to act reasonably stays on foot. And the other parent’s frustration, if this happens repeatedly, can become a formal legal complaint against you.
So what does the law actually expect? And when does a pattern of refusal mean the arrangements genuinely need to change?
That’s what this article works through, practically, from the moment the child refuses to the longer question of whether the orders still make sense.
Key Takeaways
- There is no fixed age at which a child can simply choose not to follow parenting orders. Older children’s views carry more weight with the court, but they do not override an existing order.
- You are expected to encourage compliance, not just step back. Doing nothing because your child said no is unlikely to be accepted as a reasonable response.
- Documenting your efforts matters more than most parents realise. Keep a clear record of what you said, what you tried, and what the child told you.
- If safety is the reason for the refusal, that is a different situation entirely. Do not send a child somewhere you have a genuine, evidence-based reason to believe is unsafe.
- Parenting arrangements can be changed if they no longer work in practice. But the process for changing them takes time, and it starts with negotiation or family dispute resolution, not a unilateral decision to stop compliance.
- Getting advice early matters. The situations that are hardest to fix are the ones where a parent waited months before seeking help.
What happens if my child refuses to go under your current parenting arrangements?
The order does not pause because the child doesn’t want to comply. That’s the starting point, and it’s the thing most parents don’t fully understand until they’re already in trouble.
If you have parenting orders made by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia, those orders are legally binding. They don’t become optional because your child has changed their mind. The obligation sitting with you, as the parent responsible for facilitating the changeover, is to take reasonable steps to make it happen.
What does reasonable mean in practice? It means having a genuine conversation with your child, explaining that the visit is happening and that they will be okay. It means not giving them a way out by implying the decision is theirs. It means turning up to the changeover location. It means contacting the other parent if the child is genuinely distressed, rather than simply not showing up without explanation.
What it does not mean is physically dragging a distressed child into a car. There’s a line between encouragement and escalation. The law doesn’t expect you to create a scene or physically force a child who is genuinely distraught. But it does expect you to try, and to document that you tried.
Key Point: If your child refuses and you do nothing, the other parent may have grounds to bring a contravention application against you. Your best protection is evidence that you made genuine, reasonable efforts to encourage compliance.
Can a child legally decide not to see the other parent?
There is no magic age. Full stop.
This is the most common misconception we see. Parents, and sometimes the children themselves, believe that at twelve, or fourteen, or sixteen, a child gains the legal right to refuse contact. That’s not how Australian family law works.
The court is required to consider the views of a child, and to give those views weight that is appropriate to the child’s age and maturity. An older teenager’s consistent, reasoned refusal will carry considerably more weight than a seven-year-old’s bad-tempered protest on a Sunday morning. But “carry more weight” is not the same as “decides the outcome. “
A parenting order made by the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia continues to apply until it is varied or discharged. A sixteen-year-old who refuses to follow it is not above the order. Neither is the parent who steps back and lets them refuse without taking any steps to encourage compliance.
In practice, courts recognise the reality that you cannot physically compel an unwilling fifteen-year-old without causing harm. That practical reality influences how the court thinks about enforcement. But it does not erase your obligation to try, to document, and to seek a formal variation if the arrangements are genuinely no longer workable.
Expert Tip: If your older child is consistently refusing contact, that pattern is important information for the court. It’s also a reason to seek a formal variation to the orders rather than allowing an unofficial arrangement to drift on for months without legal recognition.
Am I breaching parenting orders if my child won’t get in the car?
This is the question that keeps parents awake. The honest answer is: it depends on what you did.
A contravention of a parenting order happens when a person, without reasonable excuse, fails to comply with the order or prevents another person from complying. The key words are “without reasonable excuse” and “fail to comply. “
If you turned up. If you spoke to your child. If you encouraged them to go. If you told the other parent what was happening. If you documented your efforts. That is a very different situation from quietly telling your child they don’t have to go, saying nothing to the other parent, and staying home.
The concept of a “reasonable excuse” in family law is not a broad escape hatch. It is not sufficient to say the child didn’t want to go. But courts do look at whether the parent responsible for facilitating the visit genuinely did what could reasonably be expected, given the child’s age, the circumstances, and any safety concerns.
Where genuine safety concerns exist, that is a separate and important analysis. If you have real, evidence-based reasons to believe your child is at risk, you may have grounds not to facilitate contact. But that belief needs to be based on something more than the child’s reluctance or one-sided complaints. This is a situation where you should get legal advice before making a decision, not after.
Key Point: The parent stuck between an order and a refusing child is in a genuinely difficult position. You are not automatically in breach because the child won’t cooperate. But the evidence of your efforts, kept clearly and contemporaneously, may be the difference between a contravention finding and not.
What if there are no court orders and my child doesn’t want to visit?
Without parenting orders in place, the situation is more flexible but also less clear.
If you and the other parent have an informal agreement, or a parenting plan that hasn’t been filed as consent orders, neither of you has the same formal enforcement mechanism available. That means the other parent can’t bring a contravention application. But it also means either of you can walk away from the arrangement without legal consequence, which creates its own instability.
If your child is refusing visits under an informal arrangement, the immediate priority is communication with the other parent. An honest conversation about what’s happening, whether anything has changed, and whether the current arrangement is still working is the right first step. If that conversation isn’t possible, family dispute resolution is the structured path to a new agreement.
Family dispute resolution, commonly called mediation, is generally required before either parent can apply to the court for parenting orders. A registered family dispute resolution practitioner can help you reach a workable arrangement without the cost and time of court proceedings.
Expert Tip: If an informal arrangement is breaking down because your child is resisting, use that moment to formalise something workable, rather than letting the situation drift. Parenting plans and consent orders give both parents clarity and a clear path if things go wrong again later.
When is a child’s refusal about safety, not just preference?
A child refusing to spend time with a parent is sometimes about preference. It can also be about something that genuinely needs to be taken seriously.
The signals worth paying attention to include a child disclosing something specific about what happens at the other parent’s home, a child displaying significant changes in behaviour before and after visits, or a child who is clearly frightened rather than simply reluctant. These are different from a teenager who finds visits inconvenient, or a child who prefers their routine at one home over the other.
If your child is telling you something that gives you genuine concern for their safety, you should not simply send them anyway and hope for the best. You should also not use that concern as a reason to stop contact without taking any steps to address it through proper channels.
The right steps are: seek legal advice promptly, consider whether a report to child safety authorities is warranted, and document everything the child has said and when they said it. If an urgent application to the court is necessary, that path exists. But it should be based on real evidence, not general anxiety or a child’s reluctance.
Where family violence is part of the picture, the analysis changes significantly. Courts take family violence seriously and it can be a valid basis for varying or suspending contact arrangements. But it needs to be established through proper process, not assumed.
Key Point: The distinction between a safety concern and a preference matters enormously. Treating them the same way, in either direction, can cause real harm, either to a child who needed protection, or to a parenting relationship that was being undermined unnecessarily.
What will the court look at if your older child keeps refusing contact?
If the matter comes back to court because a child is consistently refusing, the court will look at several things.
First, the child’s views. A child’s perspective is not determinative, but the court must consider it. The older and more mature the child, the more weight those views carry. The court may order a family report, prepared by a family consultant, to understand the child’s situation more fully.
Second, the reason for the refusal. Is the child expressing a genuine, independently formed view? Or does the refusal appear to be influenced by one parent’s attitude toward the other? Courts are experienced at identifying when a child’s stated position reflects what they have heard at home rather than their own settled view.
Third, your conduct as the facilitating parent. What did you do when the child refused? Did you encourage compliance? Did you communicate with the other parent? Did you seek help early, or did you allow a pattern to develop over months without taking any steps?
Fourth, the child’s overall wellbeing and the nature of the relationship with each parent. The court’s paramount consideration is always the best interests of the child. Sometimes that means pressing for compliance. Sometimes it means recognising that the current arrangements are genuinely no longer workable.
Expert Tip: If a family report has been ordered, how you present during that process matters. Be honest about what has happened, including the child’s refusal and your response to it. Attempts to manage or minimise the picture rarely go unnoticed.
Can parenting orders or parenting plans be changed because your child won’t go?
Yes, but not by you making a unilateral decision to stop complying.
Parenting orders can be varied by agreement, through consent orders filed with the court, or by a further order of the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. To apply for a variation, you generally need to show that there has been a significant change in circumstances since the orders were made. A sustained pattern of a child refusing contact, particularly an older child, can be that change.
The process starts with family dispute resolution in most cases. You and the other parent would attend mediation to try to reach a new agreed arrangement. If agreement isn’t possible, either parent can apply to the court.
Don’t wait for the situation to become entrenched before starting that process. Courts look more favourably on parents who acted promptly and tried to resolve the issue constructively, rather than those who allowed an unofficial deviation from the orders to continue for six or twelve months before seeking help.
If you’re in that situation now, a conversation with a family lawyer is a practical first step. It doesn’t have to mean going to court. It means understanding your options and what the process looks like.
Key Point: Allowing an informal deviation from parenting orders to continue without seeking formal variation creates risk for you. The other parent can seek make-up time and other remedies even after a long period of non-compliance.
What if the other parent says you’re withholding the child?
If the other parent believes you are preventing contact without justification, they can bring a contravention application. The court takes these seriously.
The remedies available include an order for make-up time, a fine, a requirement that you attend a post-separation parenting program, and in serious cases, a change to the parenting arrangements altogether.
Your best response to this allegation is clear, contemporaneous evidence of what you did. Notes taken on the day, messages to the other parent explaining what happened, anything that shows you made genuine efforts to facilitate the visit and that the child’s refusal was real and not engineered.
If the other parent alleges that you have been quietly encouraging the refusal, the court will look at the full picture, including the child’s account, the pattern of behaviour over time, and any inconsistencies in your explanation. Courts are experienced at identifying when a parent’s conduct has influenced a child’s stated position.
The practical point is this: if you are genuinely trying to facilitate contact and the child is genuinely refusing, document it meticulously and get advice early. Don’t let the situation drift while hoping it resolves itself.
Expert Tip: Send a short, factual message to the other parent each time a changeover doesn’t proceed. Describe what happened, what you said to the child, and that you remain willing to facilitate time. Keep it brief and keep it factual. That record matters later.
How does a child’s age change what actually happens?
The practical reality looks different depending on how old your child is.
At around six, a child’s expressed refusal is real distress but rarely a settled, independently formed view. The expectation on the facilitating parent to encourage compliance firmly and warmly is high. The court would not give significant weight to the child’s stated preference alone.
At around ten, a child can express clearer reasons for their reluctance. Those reasons deserve to be heard and, if there are genuine concerns, investigated. The facilitating parent is still expected to encourage compliance, but the conversation with the child can be more substantive.
At around fifteen, the picture is different again. A fifteen or sixteen-year-old with a consistent, reasoned position will be heard. Courts are realistic about the fact that physically compelling a teenager rarely achieves anything constructive, and may cause harm to the relationship and to the child. That doesn’t mean the order evaporates. It means the court is more likely to recognise that the arrangements need to be varied to reflect the child’s maturity and stated views.
At every age, the question is not just what the child wants, but why they want it, and whether what the child wants is genuinely in their best interests.
Key Point: Age is a factor, not a formula. A mature twelve-year-old’s consistent, well-reasoned view may carry more weight than a seventeen-year-old’s impulsive refusal following a conflict. The court looks at the whole picture.
What practical steps should you take right now?
If your child is refusing contact today, here is what to do.
Stay calm with your child. Don’t turn the conversation into a negotiation or signal that the decision is theirs to make. Explain, clearly and without drama, that spending time with their other parent matters and that you expect them to go.
Contact the other parent. Don’t simply not turn up. A brief, factual message explaining what’s happening is far better than silence.
Write it down. A short note with the date, what the child said, what you said, what you offered, and the outcome. Do this on the day, while the details are clear.
If this is a pattern, seek advice now, not in three months. The earlier you act, the more options you have.
If your child has told you something that raises genuine safety concerns, those concerns need proper legal attention. That is a conversation to have with a lawyer promptly.
If you’d like to talk through your specific situation, the C + K Family Lawyers team offers confidential, no-obligation consultations. You don’t need to have all the answers before you call.
Expert Tip: Keep your records in one place. A simple document or app note, dated, factual and written contemporaneously, is far more useful in a legal context than a memory of “this happened a lot around that time. ”
What will this cost and how long can a parenting dispute take?
There is no honest way to give you a fixed number, because it depends entirely on how far the matter needs to go.
If you and the other parent can reach an agreement through family dispute resolution and have it formalised as consent orders, you are looking at a fraction of the cost and time of contested proceedings. That path is measured in weeks to months.
If the matter becomes contested and returns to the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia for a hearing, you are looking at a process that can take twelve months or significantly longer in some circumstances, and legal costs that can become substantial.
The cases that cost the most and take the longest are usually the ones where early legal advice wasn’t taken, where informal deviations from orders were allowed to accumulate without being addressed, and where the conflict between the parents escalated well past the point where practical solutions were still available.
Acting early is not just legally sensible. It is almost always cheaper.
Key Point: Cost proportionality matters. A parenting dispute that could have been resolved in mediation for a modest outlay can become genuinely expensive if it escalates to contested proceedings. The cost of early advice is rarely the problem. The cost of waiting usually is.
Frequently asked questions
Can my child refuse to see the other parent if they’re over 16? There is no age at which a parenting order simply stops applying. A sixteen-year-old’s consistent refusal carries real weight with the court and may support an application to vary the orders. But the order remains on foot until it is formally varied or the child turns 18. You are still expected to encourage compliance and document your efforts.
What if my child says they feel unsafe with the other parent? Take it seriously and act through proper channels. Seek legal advice promptly, document what your child has told you, and consider whether a report to child safety is warranted. Do not simply stop facilitating contact without legal advice, as that can expose you to a contravention application even where your concerns are genuine.
Do I have to go to court to change a parenting plan? Not necessarily. A parenting plan can be replaced by a new parenting plan agreed between you and the other parent, or you can formalise a new agreement as consent orders through the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia. Court proceedings are usually a last resort. Family dispute resolution is the required first step in most cases before a court application can be filed.
What if there are no orders and the other parent simply stops bringing the child to me? Without orders in place, enforcement is harder. Your first step is communication, then family dispute resolution. If that fails, you can apply to the court for parenting orders. Getting orders in place is the most reliable way to ensure your time with your child is protected.
How do I explain the situation to my child without putting them in the middle? Keep it simple and age-appropriate. Tell them that spending time with both parents is important, that you want them to go, and that you will be there when they get back. Don’t ask them to explain the other parent’s home to you. Don’t share your concerns about the other parent in a way that increases their anxiety. The goal is to make the visit feel safe and manageable, not to invite the child into the adult dispute.
A final word
If your child is refusing to spend time with their other parent, you are already in a situation where getting the next decision right matters.
The parents who navigate this best are the ones who act early, keep clear records, stay focused on their child’s actual wellbeing, and seek advice before the situation hardens into something that requires a court to resolve.
If you’re not sure where you stand, that’s exactly the right time to talk to someone.
The C + K Family Lawyers team works with parents across Brisbane and the Gold Coast on exactly these situations. A confidential conversation costs nothing, and it may save you a great deal later.
This article is general information only and is not legal advice. Family law outcomes depend on your individual circumstances. For advice about your situation, speak with a qualified family lawyer.
About the Author
Christopher (Chris) Jones is the Principal Lawyer and co-founder of CK Family Lawyers, a Queensland family law firm. Chris advises on divorce, property settlement, parenting arrangements, binding financial agreements, mediation and domestic violence matters. After working in legal environments where clients felt depersonalised and lost in jargon, he co-founded the firm with Krystina Jones on the belief that people deserve family lawyers who genuinely care, and he works directly with his clients throughout their matters.
